My campaign has a theme song, written by me.
My administration will mandate that everyone in the country gets paid a living wage. Same goes for anyone who's out of work, too.
My administration will ban Christmas music from the airwaves. Anyone wanting to hear those songs will have to download a podcast and use headphones like civilized people.
My administration will bail out the people, including home owners. All properties owned by banks will be seized and distributed to people in need of homes.
My administration will stop creating terrorists around the world. The military will be disbanded, along with the CIA. We will no longer torture our prisoners.
My administration will phase out the use of all fossil fuels over the course of 4 years, accompanied by a massive program of building up the country's wind and solar infrastructure. My administration will not allow capitalism to destroy life on Earth, as seems to be the current objective of the energy companies calling the shots.
My administration will put forward a bill requiring that all media be owned locally. One organization, collective, individual or small business will not be allowed to own more than one media outlet. All local media outlets will be required to have a staff of local journalists, whose mandate will be to cover local, regional, national and international issues. Furthermore, one of the many ways my administration will support culture will be to mandate that 50% of news be presented in the form of music, poetry, or theater.
My administration will free all political prisoners. We will apologize for the decades they lost due to the backwards policies of the former regime. They will be compensated financially and in other ways, and asked to join our government.
My administration will ban the production and sales of land mines, cluster bombs and all other munitions that do not have specific civilian uses.
My administration will ban money from politics. All candidates who get the required number of signatures to run for an office will be provided with an appropriate budget for running a political campaign, depending on the office for which they're running. No outside money will be allowed. Money is not speech. Speech is speech. Money is money.
Under my presidency, land and other forms of wealth beyond a certain reasonable level will be confiscated by the state and distributed in a more appropriately egalitarian fashion among the broader population, as it should have been in the first place. (And as it was before colonization.)
My administration will end the drug war. All recreational drugs will be legalized and regulated for quality assurance.
Corporate personhood. Corporations are not people and when I'm president they will not be treated as such. I mean those that are left after the bigger ones have been turned into collectives.
Why vote for me? Well, for one thing, the Republicans and the Democrats are both controlled by big money. Yes, the Democrats, too. And the Democrats have started most of the wars the US has been in over the past century, too.
My administration will abolish Selective Service and any other vestigial remnants of the draft.
My administration will ban sugary drinks unless they use xylitol or something that won't rot your teeth and make you fat. Coke is the drink of the death squads, anyway.
My administration will make sure we do our best to dismantle and store as safely as possible all the nuclear power plants, nuclear missiles, and weapons of mass destruction, including of course all areas contaminated by the widespread use of “conventional” Depleted Uranium munitions.
Under my administration, the US will no longer be an empire. As a result, no one will hate us enough to carry out any more terrorist attacks, and there will be no more “war on terror” either.
The rich shall be eaten. (Figuratively speaking, of course.)
Never again will the United States use the bodies of the dead to make paper. Yes, we did that. Bizarre, isn't it, the workings of the free market.
The corporate media will be abolished under my presidency, and journalism will be the responsibility of local media collectives, and artists.
My administration will impose strict land use and zoning standards throughout the country in order to promote mass transit, bicycle lanes, and other such infrastructure. Pedestrian areas will be the norm, not the exception. Cities and suburbs will be especially transformed, community will be encouraged through the changed infrastructure, which will all profoundly affect mental and physical health of people throughout the country. No longer will one suburb be indistinguishable from the next.
Properties owned by banks will be seized. With all other properties not seized outright for egalitarian distribution among the population, strict enforcement of rent control will ensue, in order to reverse the process of gentrification happening in many cities currently.
Guantanamo Bay and all other concentration camps run by the US, foreign and domestic, shall be closed, for real this time.
Under my administration, we will never have to worry about who is being killed due to our country's foreign policy, since the military will have been disbanded.
Under my presidency, no father will ever lose a son due to their son joining the Army and getting killed somewhere. That whole horrible generational sequence will be permanently interrupted.
Uniquely under my administration, the world will not end. Unregulated capitalism is quickly bringing us to the edge of extinction. My administration will ban the use of fossil fuels (except for things like medical emergency helicopters).
During my presidency you can rest assured that the US will never again commit mass murder. The entire nuclear arsenal will be dismantled and rendered useless as safely and permanently as possible. There will never again be a Hiroshima or Nagasaki.
Under my administration, the few police employed in various places will be under strict supervision by civilians with the ability to hire, fire, punish, etc. Nowhere will police be able to act with impunity again. Plus, they won't have guns anyway.
My administration will initiate a truth commission with broad legal powers to investigate crimes committed by former members of the corporate overlords, politicians, and members of the armed forces and intelligence agencies.
Hummers and other gas-guzzling vehicles that have no practical use for civilians will be banned.
Within Wall Street, heads will roll. (Figuratively speaking, since the death penalty will be banned.) Bankers will serve prison sentences commensurate with their crimes against the people of the world. Like in Iceland, but much more so.
My administration will not just talk about peace and a prosperous green economy. We will disband the military, phase out fossil fuels and initiate a Marshall Plan for windmill and solar infrastructure-building. We will do as we say, and make concrete proposals, not broad, meaningless promises and “hope” and “change.”
If Democrats or anyone else complains about third party candidates for political office in the United States, I have one message for them: support Instant Run-off Voting or some other form of proportional representation, and quit your whining about democracy. Real, functioning democracies, unlike this one, have more than two parties.
My administration will only recognize countries that have borders that they acknowledge and can draw on a map. Therefore, not only will my government stop all funding for the state of Israel, but until Israel withdraws to internationally-recognized borders, my administration will refer to Israel as the Zionist Entity.
My administration will kick capitalism in its ass.
My government will encourage rent strikes and other methods of winning justice from those who have too much money, as part of a multi-pronged program to bring about a much more egalitarian society. We will not send in the militia. Or the riot cops.
The More Gardens Now program will facilitate turning most of the roads in the country into community gardens.
My administration will ban the logging of any remaining virgin forests, and severely curtail logging on all other lands, in order to create a thriving, sustainable ecosystem for humans and other species to enjoy. My government will make catastrophes like that which befell Oso, Washington a thing of ancient history.
My government will abolish the Pledge of Allegiance and other practices in schools that encourage nationalism. Our policies will be those of internationalism and cooperation, policies where no one involved comes out on top. My government will not recognize our own right to use force as a means of settling international disputes with anyone.
My government will institute a blanket ban on hydraulic fracturing, effective immediately upon taking office.
Under my administration no human being will be called or treated as an “illegal.” We will uphold the rights of all people, regardless of citizenship or lack thereof. My administration will welcome refugees, and institute a policy of reciprocity with concern to immigration. That is, we will generally mirror the immigration practices of each country, welcoming their citizens to whatever extent they welcome ours.
The Stock Exchange shall be turned over to actually useful purposes, such as apartments for homeless people, museums, nurseries, etc.
My administration will institute a blanket ban on the transportation of dangerous chemicals by train. There will never again be a Lac Megantic disaster.
My administration will institute a ban on transporting dangerous chemicals by pipeline, too.
My government will not spy or collect data on its own or anyone else's citizens. The Prism Program will be shut down, along with all of the intelligence agencies, aside from the limited numbers of investigators necessary to pursue real criminals, such as murderers, rapists and owners of large corporations.
My government will support authentic democracies – not dictatorships, including those masquerading as democracies. There will never again be a CIA-led coup – not in Iran, not in the Congo or in Guatemala, Honduras, Haiti, or Chile.
Ana Belen Montes, Chelsea Manning, Mumia Abu Jamal, Leonard Peltier, Marius Mason and all other political prisoners will be released.
Workplaces shall be regulated effectively so that the conditions that gave rise to industrial accidents such as the one at the Tyson chicken fire in North Carolina or the BP oil rig off the coast of Louisiana won't happen again.
My administration will respect the sovereignty of Native America. Rapacious corporations destroying Indian Country throughout the west today will be stopped. A well-funded program will be initiated to support Indian-led initiatives for reparations, land, and a truth commission to investigate those non-Indians who have committed crimes against Indian children in Indian Schools and elsewhere.
The School of the Americas, quite obviously, will be shut down permanently.
The words written on the Statue of Liberty will, for the first time, become actual practice, rather than just nice words.
No one will be punished for downloading music or other media. An equitable system will be put into place that allows artists to make a living, without punishing people for freely participating in cultural exchange.
The rich will be taxed until they are no longer rich, and the money will be spent on making everything better, rather than on buying nuclear missiles and overthrowing democracies.
My government will withdraw from all the “free trade” treaties that have made things so much worse for workers and the environment around the world. No more TPP or TTIP. We will pursue fair trade deals with everyone, “free trade” with no one.
The United States under my leadership will no longer attack other countries for refusing to trade with us on our terms. No more trade wars. No more opium wars, no more wars for oil, or any other kinds of wars, hot or cold.
My administration will lift the embargo against Cuba immediately.
All “stand your ground” laws will be annulled. The guns will be taken away and put into the care of Neighborhood Defense Committees run entirely by women.
Unions, cooperatives and local initiatives of all kinds will be encouraged.
Under my administration, every adult inheritor of the Walton family fortune will be given full-time employment at the Wal-Mart of their choice. All of their money will be distributed evenly among former employees of Wal-Mart stores around the world.
My administration will put all the resources necessary into making sure that all military veterans are housed and cared for in every conceivable way, so no veteran (or anyone else) ever has to sleep on the sidewalk or on a cot in a homeless shelter.
Under my administration, local music and culture will once again be covered by the media, which will be broken up so that no person, business or collective owns more than one media outlet.